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Poggers! AOC is America’s Newest E-Girl
In a desperate bid to increase voter turnout among grown-ass adults who use words like “yikes” and “pupper” unironically, Democrats have turned to the one thing they haven’t managed to make embarrassingly uncool: video games. While there has been a major surge of cuckery in the industry as of late, there are plenty of games and developers that have managed to stay apoltical, inconsequential bastions of escapism. Fortunately, the Progressives are here to fix that.
The most recent of these attempts was Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (affectionately known as AOC among her fans, and people who don’t want to type out all that shit), who livestreamed several matches of Among Us with several notable Twitch personalities. For those of you who clicked this link because your grandson shared it, Among Us is a game of deceit, where a crew of technicolor astronauts must survive their trip back home, all while being hunted by two shapeshifting Imposters. It’s sort of like The Thing, but in space, and adorable.
As a crewmate, your job is to perform life-sustaining tasks around the ship, and rationally deduce who the Imposters are so they can be subdued and released into space. As an Imposter, your job is to sabotage the workers, leave them in the dark, sow paranoia and distrust, and -when the coast is clear- pick them off one by one. Crewmates must be vigilant, or the last thing they’ll ever see is a horrible monster unhinging their jaw and bearing their massive teeth before stabbing them between the eyes.
Naturally, several notable streamers, including Pokimane, jumped on the opportunity to share the screen with such a prominent figure, offering to play with AOC and stream alongside her. We reached out to see how such a successful woman felt about sharing her stream with an unintelligible e-thot who’s only famous because her army of simps is still hoping to see her naked, but Pokimane could not be reached for comments. Fellow “Squad” member Ilhan Omar joined, but I wouldn’t read too much into that.
While her stream did remarkably well, it’s actually not the first time this election cycle that a prominent Democrat has turned to vidya to harass voters. The Biden campaign has created a fully immersive Animal Crossing island for everyone to explore. Animal Crossing: New Horizons, is the most recent entry in the long-running Nintendo franchise, where you get to customize your own private island and open it up to unsupervised children from around the world.
The island comes with digital versions of all Biden’s campaign merch, an adorable in-game ice cream stand, and even a Joe Biden avatar with Biden’s signature catchphrase, “No malarkey!” It’s so goshdarn cute you’ll almost forget that his crack-addict son dropped off and forgot about a laptop that links him to treason and child p*rn.
The Biden camp is confident they can convince gamers Orange is sus, but it remains to be seen if they’ll actually put down their controllers long enough to Pokemon Go to the polls. With just shy of two weeks to go before election night, President Trump has yet to commit to any meaningful outreach to gamers. We can only hope gamers will rise up once more to own the Libs for four more years.