Convention Simulator: There Is No Exit (Premium Feature)

LEAKED: The Houston Convention Is Now a Horror Game, and Paid Subscribers Are Already Inside

The 2026 Texas GOP convention is almost over. For our paid subscribers, it doesn’t have to be.

Today we’re giving paid subscribers early access to Convention Simulator: a quiet game where you wander the Houston convention center. The lights hum. The carpet repeats. A man in a lanyard hands you a flyer. You take it. There is another man behind him.

You will not find the platform committee. You will not find the exit. There is a folding table with a sign that says BACK IN 5 MINUTES. It has said that for some time.

Consider it a thank-you to the people who keep the lights on — the fluorescent ones, specifically. Paid subscribers get in now. Everyone else waits outside getting all sweaty.