Cringe Rooftop Shooter Analysis & Abbott Signs MAGA Bathroom Law
Read in the bathroom for maximum effect.
Weirdo leftists committing dramatic acts of violence in the middle of the workday has become a bizarre kind of pick-me-up against the afternoon slump. Today, Texas mourns the loss of at least one individual who will never live to be deported.
Apparently, scaling down the side of buildings and turning into a rooftop hitman is a lot harder than you’d think.
Makes you think, no? What makes the shootings worse now is waiting for the big reveal of whatever bizarre messages got carved into the bullets. Apparently, the classic spiral-bound manifesto is too much work for the kids these days.
He just scribbled “anti-ICE” on the bullets? Really?
The blue pen was a fun twist. Something different. But when you think about it, shooting the people you were supposedly trying to help is also different.
Apparently he was into communist stuff? Exhausting. I’m sure he voted for Bernie only to have the Texas Democrats steal it and give it to Biden.
It looks like he also may have been registered to vote in Oklahoma? Double exhausting. Texas has no way of checking to see if people are registered to vote in Oklahoma and Texas at the same time, despite Republicans passing a law saying the state was legally obligated to figure this out (but only if it costs less than $100k, obviously making the whole concept impossible.)
That weird “election integrity” stunt was apparently yet another hoax aimed at Republican activists to trick them.
What is definitely not a trick or a hoax is the new bathroom bill Abbott just signed into law. It’s literally fascism for the potty and it’s wonderful.
If you remember, this was an issue that Abbott wasn’t sure about.
He spent many years analyzing the bathrooms in Texas. Taking measurements, looking at the data, and understanding all the relevant body parts from every angle. Our sources confirm he spent weeks inside public restrooms, and oftentimes other occupants had no idea he was present and watching. This is the kind of dedication we need for good governance.
The Governor recently posted a TikTok-style short video where he aggressively signed the new law, calling it “common sense.”
He says the law says “no men in women’s restrooms.” It actually doesn’t say that. Like, at all. In fact, the law only applies to a very small percentage of public restrooms, but this is a good thing, because it means he can sign another bathroom law in 7 years when he’s in his 5th term.
It’s also clearly not another hoax meant to trick Republicans, because transgenders are the most important issue in the world right now. Can you think of a bigger issue for you personally? Other than perhaps school choice? I doubt it.
I applaud the Governor for making short videos and boldly proclaiming his views after carefully weighing the matter for 8 full years.
Did you catch the pen he was using?
That’s right, a blue pen.
Are you starting to connect the dots?
That pen he used is a Uniball gel pen.
These pens are made in Japan. Yep. This is obviously a dog whistle that Texas is about to get hardcore on immigration, much like Japan.
Interestingly, this is the exact same pen used by Cookie Monster.
As they say, there are no coincidences in Austin.
These are the situations we’re monitoring closely, especially now that the bathroom is off our monitoring list.