As I sit here pouring over the latest intel from Jessica Gonzalez’s [D-104] big fat lesbian wedding, my mind can’t help but wander as I ponder whether Texas Republicans will ever get around to passing their #1 most important piece of legislation this special session – bail reform.
That’s right. Everywhere I go, people are asking me about bail reform, “Tommy” they say, “when we gonna get that bail reform? We need the bail reform, Tommy.” Trust me, I know. We could all use a little bail reform from time to time.
I call up bae, “Val, sweetie pie, can I get some bail reform?”
“Anything for you, stud.” she says as her hand slowly rubs down my chest with the words “bail reform” tattoo’d on my pecs.
Representing his fellow Republicans of color, Giovanni Cannoli has been beating the breadsticks together in support for some of that good strong bail reform.
A lot of people seem to think that the Democrats are totally driving the agenda right now. They think that because it’s incredibly obvious that’s in fact happening when you look at the situation.
But trust me, what is actually happening is bail reform is happening.
Trust the plan of Republican House leadership. This bail reform won’t be nuthin’ like your dad’s bail reform.
Trust the plan of your representative who won’t criticize what’s going on. They have a plan. It’s called “trust the plan.” The plan is that we’re just going to trust.
After all, you know about bail reform, right? You should be aware that Jeff Leach is obsessed with bail reform, so count the problem as good as solved.
Of course, they’re not talking about bail reform regarding all the people being held and tortured by the feds for attending the dance party on January 6th.
This is the important kind of bail reform. The kind that needs more explaining.
It’s so important I bet you can go ask 100 voters and all 100 of them will be able to tell you exactly the kind of bail reform we need. That’s because we need it so bad!
Jeff Leach has been working on bail reform with experts.
I’d love for be a fly on the wall and find out where he’s getting all his ideas from.
This is going to be the most conservative special session in history. Just wait. Nothing can stop what’s coming.