Summer of Supremacy

Meet the scary white supremacists keeping your pools open this summer

With community pools across the country facing a lifeguard shortage and unable to open, local white supremacists have stepped up to ensure everyone has a place to cool down and have a good time.

Sure, these young men are a threat to our democracy, but they’re also a vanguard against the tyranny of the Texas summer.

Let’s meet the boys:

Kingsley

During the BLM riots of 2020, a statue of Michael Phelps was toppled in Phelps’ hometown of Baltimore, MD. This act was too much for Kingsley to endure, “I looked up to Phelps my entire life. He is the pinnacle of White athletic achievement. To see him disrespected like that broke my heart. I knew I had to get involved. I couldn’t let this happen in Texas.”

Two years later, with imminent pool shutdowns in the DFW area, Kingsley stepped in to keep his local pool open. “All young White boys should have a place to swim with a strong White role model to look up to, and I’m up to the challenge.”

José

White supremacy isn’t limited to just Whites. Many Tejanos are getting in on this cool trend.

José found his passion for lifeguarding on the website 4chan when anon posted the annual drowning deaths for Whites across Texas. Spurred to save the White race from unnecessary pool death he joined his local lifeguard squad and has never looked back. “It’s become more than a summer job para mi,” said José, “I promise all White Texans and Tejanos will have access to a chill day by the pool.”

Steven

Steven is here to “Make Texas Pool’s Great Again,” as he says. “It’s simple; every White Texan girl deserves a place where she can feel safe and get bronzed. I’m here to make sure they have that.”

Johnny

Youngest of the bunch, Johnny is all about having a good time, “There’s nothing like a wet hot Texas Summer and there’s no better place than a Texas pool to meet a beautiful White girl who’s down to party and help you save the White race.”

When not at the pool, you can find Johnny at the gym “getting a primo pump” and educating his fellow Texans on the benefits of white supremacy, such as low crime, high economic standards and kickass water slides.

Remember to stay safe out there Texans; it’s a scorcher.