CR's Crystal Ball: 2024 GOP Primary Edition
"Let the Trump sound" I guess
Before 2016, American politics was a gayer-than-thou contest where participants (with few exceptions) sparred over who was the “real racist,” and whether free markets create utopia. Normal people with real problems felt abandoned while their border crumbled, jobs got shipped abroad, fentanyl ravaged their communities, and rectal prolapse marriage was imposed by unelected busybodies. When all thought we were stuck with milquetoast Bushism and insane Clintonite globalism, Trump entered a crowded GOP primary, terraforming the Overton Window.
Today, things are interesting again. Not even two years till 2024, and the Republican primary is becoming crowded, and others could file after the Donald announcement weeks ago. In fact, there are more potential GOP candidates than made-up genders. While anything can happen in two years, let us look at the probable 2024 GOP field and who Texas might nominate. In what is bound to be the greatest electoral dong-measuring contest of the 2020s, looking over our options is important. Keep in mind, we assume there will be an election in 2024.
So, we got an in-house crystal ball to see what will go down next election cycle. While questionably reliable (we bartered for it with a hobo under an overpass), anything is more trustworthy than CNN.
That said, if ballot stuffers are unhindered, votes will not matter and Texas will be doomed to a millennium of darkness, with the nationwide party having no way to compete unless it actualizes RNC Chair hopeful Lee Zeldin’s ballot harvesting strategy. Considering Austin’s magic suits care little about vote security (even lowering fraud penalties), we doubt serious action happens in the 88th session.
Anyways, time for the interesting part.
Trump
Needing no introduction, former (and legitimate) President Donald Trump redpilled millions of Americans on true America-First principals from the moment he descended down the golden escalator, including yours truly. While I have always been conservative since I was a young(er) buck due to fiscal and social issues (plus thinking Laura Ingraham was hot), Trump proved we were not limited to Jeb Bush-style bleating about “low taxes and deregulation” ad infinitum; populism people inwardly crave was officially discussable. For that, he forever earned my respect.
Of the current field, Trump has the most charisma and ability to get people off their butts. He would do great with the Texan base come 2024.
Nonetheless, he is not without failures, most notably his refusal to fire Kushner and cease contact until recently, despite KNOWING he was a Leftist. As a result, Kushner derailed Trump’s goals including the border wall, undermined his election security initiatives, and catered to the LGSTD community and BLM.
Allegedly, he and Trump’s own daughter Ivanka may have called the FBI to Mar-A-Lago, which might not be surprising since Jared spent his entire career subverting Trump, and Ivanka is an apostate; if she will betray her Heavenly Father, backstabbing her earthly one comes naturally.
While he understands the Senate’s traitor infestation, and called for Mitch “turtle head” McConnell’s removal, he still backed Kevin McCarthy for House Speaker. Unfortunately, Trump still sometimes endorses the same establishment that hates him.
As mentioned by syndicated author and prophetess Ann Coulter, Dr. Fauci was platformed by Trump to begin with. What resulted was a normalization of lockdowns among both Leftists, and establishmentard “Republicans” like Abbott.
Overall, one question remains: He vows to destroy the globalist cabal (we support that), and the establishment wants him gone, but did Trump learn from past mistakes? This will determine whether he deserves the 2024 nomination.
Desantis
Also a Texas grassroots favorite, Florida Gov. Ron Desantis made a name for himself by ending lockdowns, savaging ballot fraudsters, and more. In the last CPAC poll, Desantis was an overwhelming favorite after Trump.
While his legend status is well-deserved, some calling Desantis “David” to Trump’s “Saul,” we still have concerns. For instance, researchers found documents tied to business issues involving Paragon Diamonds (registered in rural Oklahoma), and Dr. Anthony Fauci.
While awesome policy-wise, Desantis runs the risk of becoming beholden to the establishment (even getting endorsed by NeverTrumper Meghan McCain), who will projectile crap cash at anyone but Trump. Hopefully, Desantis does not become what he destroyed in Florida.
Though only God knows one’s heart (1 Kings 8:39), Desantis might need to prove he can hold the Trump Revolution’s torch and be unbeholden to globalist donor-classers should he run.
Abbott
Does anyone care? Seriously, we covered this at least twice and we are running on coffee and Bang Energy drinks; the Howdy Doody-Jeb Bush hybrid is not worth another paragraph till this article’s conclusion.
Pence
Perhaps the most worthless 2024 hopeful, Mike “AIDS Race Bannon” Pence is the most hated Republican by both the Texan and nationwide GOP base. Beloved only by anal object aficionados, Pence still possesses an inflated enough self-worth to maybe run in 2024.
Besides abandoning Trump and having the charisma of roadkill, he also left Christians appalled after purging “anti-LGBT discrimination” language from a religious liberty bill while Indiana governor.
However, some Pollyanna-esque Evangelicals still love him, thinking he represents “respectful politics” (i.e. losing the country but feeling like “the better man.”) Sadly, even Christians Engaged leader Bunni Pounds (not a pornstar name) fell for this delusion, even hawking his book.
What makes this sadder is we had hope for Christians Engaged awakening American Christendom. Instead, this may just be another grift operation giving false hope.
Well, disappointment is a fact of life, but at least it is not eternal. Today, Texan GOP voters get more choices.
Ye (The Artist Formerly Known as Kanye)
Yep, the rapper Ye is officially running in 2024. While many are tempted to dismiss such announcements, he (while eccentric) is officially more cancelled for saying mean things on the internet than Jeffrey Epstein ever was for raping children. Why are so many threatened by him? Regardless, he announced his run over Twitter.
Surprisingly, he even asked Donald Trump to be his running mate; the latter predictably objected.
We do not think he will win, but he definitely makes things interesting.
Others (Kiddie Table Candidates)
Now for names nobody cares about. Firstly, there is potbellied ex-CIA Head Mike Pompeo who is already prepping for a 2024 run. While crafted by the military-industrial complex, he might have foreign “connections.” In early January of 2021, Pompeo had an unexpected meeting with the Mossad (Israeli intelligence) Head in DC’s Cafe Milano, allegedly about Iran issues (in a public restaurant oddly). This would not be so disturbing if it were not for J6 occurring just days earlier, and allegedly just mulling Trump’s overthrow (Pompeo today claims they “weren’t serious.”) Apparently, this event was serious enough for whistleblower Edward Snowden to comment.
Ex-UN Ambassador Nikki “Nimrata Randhawa” Haley is also being considered, despite capitulating to BLM over Confederate statues, and being a war hawk. Worst of all, she let men use girl’s bathrooms.
Of course, there is still failed NeverTrumptard Liz “Commie Karen” Cheney, who plans on building her own movement; supposedly this new group is conservative despite undermining pro-America candidates. Anyhow, sayonara traitor!
Our “Crystal” Clear Analysis: Who Takes Texas?
If the 2024 primaries ended today, with all hopefuls participating, we believe Trump or Desantis would win. Overall, Abbott would be whizzing himself to keep warm, fighting for scraps with Pence over Travis county and surrounding areas. However, the establishment could cause a Texan grassroots civil war so their flunkies rise victorious, restarting the Age of Ignorance (pre-Trump America). Remember though, ANYTHING can happen in two years.
On an off-topic note, NOW you can put up Christmas decorations since Thanksgiving is over. Before answering the poll below, remember two things: Jesus is the reason for the season, and Die Hard is a Christmas film.
This coming December, give your loved ones the gift of a Gift Subscription. Perfect for the holidays, your loved ones will enjoy the Texas Newspaper of Record, and are guaranteed to love the next Transgender Avengers episode. Sometimes, your best presents are not found under the tree.
YE OR U GAY
If you get picked on, you have no spine and get made fun of at meetings and Conventions, DeSantis is your candidate. You are basically a Beta male and probably a Log Cabin Republican supporter.